What happens when you experience that “aha” moment?

Not the good kind. I’m talking about the moment where you realize that your clothes don’t fit the way they used to. The moment where you really notice how much food is on your plate. The moment where you try to remember your last workout—but can’t?

A lot of fitness success stories start with these moments. But so do a lot of unsuccessful attempts. What makes some people successful where others fail?

To start answering that question, I caught up with Vineet. That first picture is his progress.

You can see a full album of his progress pictures here. 

Vineet lost 49 pounds in 1.5 years after experiencing one of those “aha” moments. Our conversation, which is transcribed below, focuses on weight loss challenges and building a healthy lifestyle.

First, some numbers and routines.

Stats, Diet, and Workout

Vineet posted his progress in /r/fitness. I’m pulling this information from that post, so that you can see it in his own words.

Stats: 5’6″ Male, 24 years old

Total Weight Loss: 175 lbs -> 126.2 lbs.

Diet

“My diet has been pretty simple:

• Breakfast: Protein shake with peanut butter, Kodiak Cakes Pancakes, 2 Whole Eggs, and 4 small sausage patties (Easily my biggest meal of the day)
• Lunch: Chicken Breast with Spinach
• Dinner: Chicken Breast with Spinach
• Snack(s): Depending on the level of activity, I would eat a spoonful or two of Halo Top ice cream, or a protein bar if I needed extra calories
• “Cheating”: My philosophy on eating is that if I’m active 3-5 days a week, indulging once reasonably won’t have a big impact.

My total Caloric intake was about 1500 calories/day (Roughly a 500-700 caloric deficit as shown by my Fitbit), and I used MFP [Myfitnesspal] to track.

Once I got into the rhythm, I was able to just calculate things mentally rather than having to log it every day.”

Routine

“For the most part, I followed the “Bro Split” as it was most enjoyable for me.

I tried PPL, SL 5×5, PHUL, and some other stuff, but settled on this routine. I focused on hypertrophy primarily with every workout, doing 4 sets of 8-12 reps of each exercise.

[Comment from Benyamin: If those acronyms look like an alien language, this article reviews five of the most popular beginner weight lifting programs]

Monday (Chest/Triceps):

• Dumbbell Chest Press
• Dumbbell Incline Chest Press
• Dumbbell Chest Flies
• Pushups
• Cable Tricep Pushdown
• Tricep Extension Machine
• Skullcrushers

Tuesday (Cardio):

• Incline Powerwalking on Treadmill (15 incline, 4.5-5 speed)

Wednesday (Back/Biceps/Shoulders):

• Lat Pulldown
• Seated Rows
• Bent over Rows
• Deadlifts
• Barbell Curls
• Preacher Curls
• Lateral Raises
• Front Raises
• Seated Shoulder Press

Thursday (Cardio):

• Incline Powerwalking on Treadmill (15 incline, 4.5-5 speed)

Friday (Legs):

• Barbell Squats
• Leg Press
• Hamstring Curls
• Weighted Lunges
• Calf Raises

Saturday (Cardio/Rest):

• Incline Powerwalking on Treadmill (15 incline, 4.5-5 speed)

Sunday (Cardio/Rest):

• Incline Powerwalking on Treadmill (15 incline, 4.5-5 speed)

Interview Highlights

I think our interview is worth reading when you get a chance, but it is long. These are the best moments and big ideas.

Big Ideas

• “Aha” moments are major instigators of change
• Understanding your motivation is important. Ultimately, an internal motivation is more sustainable and mentally healthy long-term.
• Working out is not sacrificing your life—it helps you live life better
• Seeing results makes you more confident and comfortable. Even if you aren’t where you want to be yet, there’s comfort in knowing you’re working towards it.
• At first, plateaus can be discouraging. Take a look at your routine, learn about what might be causing them, and push through. You will pass them eventually.
• When you are deciding on your routine, figure out what works for you
• Social factors can be an ally and a challenge. Working out is easier with friends, but eating right is hard when your friends want to go out a lot.
• Be up front about your goals. If you are feeling social pressure, tell people what you are working towards.
• Working out needs to be part of your routine, not something you force yourself to do

Best Moments (with Comments)

“Fast forward a little bit to after college, I basically job hunted at home for 8 months, and that’s where I put on a lot of the extra weight as well. I think I got up to 175, and then one day I went jean shopping and realized like ‘ohhh my god. I need to figure this thing out.’”

“Aha” moments like this are a huge and terrifying motivator for a lot of people. It’s easy to slip into an unhealthy routine without realizing.

It’s only when some external event happens—whether it’s jeans shopping, comments from friends, or an honest look in the mirror—that the feeling of “I guess I should work out” turns into “I need to do something about this now.”

“I know a lot of people that are like “I wanna lose weight and get ripped so someone will notice me,” but for me I’ve always had some self-confidence issues, so the driving factor was that I wanted to really feel good about how I look, have clothes fit me better, and just not have to worry about those things when you’re out with friends.”

How powerful is that?

I think the idea underneath this is important, especially because so many people view working out consistently as “sacrificing your life.”

Working out is not sacrificing your life—it helps you live life better.

“But you get really burned out when you limit yourself to super specific foods and very limited quantities of it and don’t cheat every once in awhile. That stuff can really take a toll on your mood.“

If you force yourself and restrict everything you’re going to do, you’re going to wind up miserable. Yes, you’ll need to eat less to lose weight, but find ways to build that into your routine instead of constantly depriving yourself.

“I’m just happy where I am and I think right now I’m able to be at that level of maintenance where I’m happy eating out, I’m happy working out, I’m happy the way my clothes fit.“

When you have a consistent routine, working out and eating right is no longer stressful or a big deal. As Vineet says later in the interview “the moment it becomes a thing you make yourself do it just ruins everything.”

Vineet also mentioned that he might start bulking. With his maintenance routine in place, that will be much easier. Once you have a routine, all you need to do is make adjustments towards your new goal—the hard work is already done.

Full Interview Transcript

Below you’ll find the full transcript from our interview, with some bolding for emphasis and in-line comments from me.

Benyamin: Tell me a little bit about where you started out.

Vineet: I’ve always been fairly active all throughout school. Up until college I was in soccer and karate—I was always doing something—but I always had some sort of reservations about my body, my appearance, my weight.

Then in college it was a lot of enjoying myself, partying, eating whatever I wanted, that kind of thing. It was fun, but that’s also when I started to get into some kind of working out, by which I mean lifting, I didn’t do cardio or any of that.

I didn’t really do it consistently but I still loved it, so even though in college I didn’t have a good diet or a good workout plan, the idea of lifting is something I really liked.

Fast forward a little bit to after college, I basically job hunted at home for 8 months, and that’s where I put on a lot of the extra weight as well. I think I got up to 175, and then one day I went jean shopping and realized like “ohhh my god. I need to figure this thing out.”

[Comment from Benyamin: This kind of story is super common. It’s easy to slip into an unhealthy routine without really noticing, and that “aha” moment can come as a real shock.]

Benyamin: You mentioned lifting as something that especially appealed to you. What specifically do you think made it appealing?

V: I think it was the tangible results. There’s a lot of things that you do but don’t see immediate results from, and maybe it’s just that I was a beginner lifter so results came faster, but it was still really exciting.

It was also something that I did with my friends, so the social aspect of it was something I enjoyed. After class we’d go to the gym together, do whatever. So I think it was the social aspect but also the immediate gratification that came from it.

Benyamin: Yeah that social aspect is big. It’s a lot of what helped me get started also. So when you decided to lose weight, what was the result you were looking for?

And by that I mean, obviously you were trying to lose weight, but how did you feel like that was going to better your life?

V: I know a lot of people that are like “I wanna lose weight and get ripped so someone will notice me,” but for me I’ve always had some self-confidence issues, so the driving factor was that I wanted to really feel good about how I look, have clothes fit me better, and just not have to worry about those things when you’re out with friends.

And you know, friends don’t really care how you look to some degree. But it’s one of those internal things where I just want to feel better about myself overall.

Benyamin: How do you feel different, now that you’ve lost the weight?

V: I feel a lot more confident. I think I’m still not where I want to be, but also…that’s fine? Along the way you realize that it takes a while to achieve these kinds of goals.

I feel better. As a by-product, it’s really gratifying when family members and friends comment on the fact that you’ve changed, and that motivates me to keep it going.

I think the self confidence that’s come from that is probably the biggest thing. It’s one less thing to worry about because I’m not constantly thinking about my appearance.

Benyamin: Yeah I think you’ve hit on something interesting there when you said you start to appreciate that these goals take a while to achieve. It’s just so important to learn to enjoy the process.

I also struggled with some body image problems early on, and I think it’s important to keep in mind that working out doesn’t automatically fix that if you don’t also work to develop confidence.

V: Yeah, it’s one of those things where initially when you see beginner gains and that’s really exciting and motivates you. But after a while when you stop seeing progress as quickly you start to lose confidence.

[Comment from Benyamin: This happens with weight loss goals, muscle building goals, strength goals, and everything else. The first 80% of the goal tends to be easier. As you keep improving, the things that have worked stop working, and you may need to change up your routine. Plateaus can really derail progress.]

For me, my mentality and relationship with food changed dramatically. Before I would kind of eat whatever I wanted and not really think much about it, but now I actually think about everything I’m putting in my mouth.

And I enjoy myself, I eat whatever sometimes, but I made an internal deal with myself where I’m like “hey, if you eat out once or twice a week, you need to offset it with four or five good days of working out.”

Benyamin: Has the way you think about food also changed?

V: Yeah. I’m not like huge into super organic or whatever food. My perception of food hasn’t changed as much as the way I allow myself to eat it. At the end of the day I could probably achieve results way faster if I stuck to a crazy specific meal plan and only ate that every day.

And that’s what I did for a year, and it worked.

But you get really burned out when you limit yourself to super specific foods and very limited quantities of it and don’t cheat every once in awhile. That stuff can really take a toll on your mood.

[Comment from Benyamin: If intense calorie counting, or even just tracking total calories, works for you, that’s awesome. It will work if you’re counting correctly. But a lot of people find that changing their approach to food works better and is a lot easier to stick to long-term.]

You know, it sounds depressing but you start to think “is this even worth it,” starving myself to get to X point. At the end of the day my perception of food is that it’s there so you can feel good and enjoy what you’re doing, so as long as you’ve got a reasonable consumption compared to exercise, that’s all I really care about at this point.

Benyamin: Yeah, I had a similar experience where I was counting calories and was SO intense about meal prep but…it just kind of weighs on you after a little bit. It’s another thing to take care of.

Back to a difference in how you feel, have you noticed a difference in how people treat you?

V: Not really! That’s like the one thing that’s surprised me the most. I haven’t really seen any difference in how people treat me. People comment after you haven’t seen them for a while like “oh wow you’ve lost weight” whatever whatever.

But my personality has stayed constant throughout it all. At least for me I intentionally tried not to change, so my relationship with people is still the same. Maybe I don’t notice, but I would say people don’t treat me differently.

I tried to have the same personality, regardless of whether I’m more self-confident in my appearance.

[Comment from BE: My own story definitely included some of that personality change. When I got fit, it slightly went to my head before correcting out to normal.]

Benyamin: When you decided to start working and losing weight, where did you go to find information about working out and dieting?

V: In college a lot of it was from bodybuilding.com because you know, I wanted to go get ripped and look at what the professional bodybuilders were doing.

But a lot of that was too advanced for my lifestyle and my mindset, so I got help from friends. I’m pretty lucky to have a lot of friends that are like super into fitness and lead very healthy lives, so I asked for tips slowly.

Then one of my friends showed me how to meal prep, one thing led to another and then you get kind of hooked on the lifestyle.

The second big thing was honestly the fitness subreddit, which has really helped me in the last year and a half. There’s a lot of repetitive information on it, but it’s also extremely useful. People are very helpful, and it’s really cool having a forum where you can post any question and 90% of the time you’ll get a well thought out answer helping you get where you want to get.

Benyamin: You said the bodybuilding.com workouts were too advanced for you. What did you mean by that?

V: What I mean by that is a that lot of the meal prep and stuff, and all of the supplements, it was kind of overwhelming. They’re like “oh you should try this supplement stack and have 8 meals a day,” and I’m like oh my gosh, I can’t do that.

It was kind of finding what works for me. Over time I decided I would take creatine and whey protein, and those are relatively affordable and easy supplements to use.

And then you just build out your own meal plan based on what you like to eat. So that’s kind of the approach I took, rather than using those kind of prescribed meal plans you find online.

Benyamin: Yeah I always say to people when I’m on a coaching call or something, if you’re doing things that you hate doing, you’re not going to be doing them for long.

V: Yeah definitely.

Benyamin: What are some of the challenges you’ve faced in the last year and a half?

V: I’m very data driven in general, so for a lot of people I’d advise against doing this because it can get your mind weird, but tracking your weight on a daily basis, rather than a weekly basis, helped me.

[Comment from Benyamin: This definitely can “get your mind weird.” Nowadays I check my own weight every time I’m in the gym, just checking in to see if there’s any gain or loss of more than ~3 pounds.

For me it’s a check to see if I should change something. For Vineet it seems like a source of motivation. Some people can really struggle with obsessing over the number on the scale, so figure out what works for you.]

When I saw weight plateaus that would be a huge block. I’d be like “what the heck, I’m working out so much this week.” I’d only lose a little weight or just stay the same.

And then learning about the concept of water retention, I was like oh whatever, certain foods will make you retain water and you’ll lose it eventually. So weight plateaus is one of the biggest challenges.

Another one is forcing myself to understand what works. And by that I mean that for me I had to start doing cardio. That was just one of the things, at least for me, that I had to start doing to see the results at the pace I wanted.

So forcing myself to enjoy cardio, which at first doesn’t sound good, but now I really love cardio. It’s one of the things I really enjoy. So learning to enjoy different types of exercise.

[Comment from Benyamin: Do you need to do cardio? In the strictest sense no. But for a lot of people there are those little “keystone” habits that seem to make a bigger difference than you’d expect.

Also note: you shouldn’t try to force yourself to do things you hate, but also make sure you give new exercises a fair chance. You might surprise yourself.]

Another one is the social aspect. You know when friends are going out to bars and going out to eat all the time, it can get kind of draining and be a weird dynamic when you go out with them but don’t eat what they’re eating or get drinks. Also it’s hard to enjoy environments like that, especially since I’ve basically cut out alcohol altogether.

Benyamin: Yeah, how did you deal with that last one?

V: A lot of it is that I just literally told them my goals straight up.

I think that helped a lot, telling family and friends like hey, this is what I’m trying to do. If I don’t want to hang out and go to a bar don’t take it personally, that’s just something I’m doing because I don’t want to be around alcohol or be tempted to eat burgers.

So I was just up front, and there was never a situation where people were angry about it. People understand, people move on. Everyone was super understanding and I think that helped.

And when you hear the feedback after you get the results, that just makes it worth it.

[Comment from Benyamin: In general, I think being up front about your situation is the best solution in most cases. If you frame it as “this is something that I want to do for myself, and that’s important to me” good friends will understand (even if they are a little miffed at first).

Also notice how Vineet avoided eating too much by avoiding tempting situations entirely. Saying no is much easier to do without burger smell all over the place.]

Benyamin: Ok cool, so I think I just have a few questions left, unless you say something super interesting.

A lot of people struggle going to the gym consistently. The story is so common. They go for two weeks, they go really hard, and then they’re gone for six months.

How did you keep yourself consistent with your workouts?

V: Yeah. That was hard, and it’s still one of those things you have to find a good balance of. The workout changes throughout the years, and the seasons change. Like it’s really cold right now so walking to the gym is something that’s hard to get myself to do.

But I think in general, no one’s going to know if you do any of this. No one’s going to know if you skip the gym. To be honest, no one really cares. It’s one of those things where you have to force yourself. Do you want to see results, or just push it to another day.

Like I said, I made a deal with myself where as long as I lift X amount of days per week, and do cardio X days per week, that’s all I care about. I used to have a super regimented schedule where “Monday Wednesday Friday Sunday I lift,” but as now as long as I fill that quota that’s all that matters.

Consistency is hard, especially when you have a social life, you have work, but luckily for me I’ve always been an early bird. So I always go to the gym at like 4:30 or 5, back in time for work, and I can relax after work.

It’s one of those things where you have to find a way to make it work. And that sounds easy to say, but you need to build it into your routine. I think that’s something that helped me really stay consistent, because if I went to work without working out I would feel bad. I wouldn’t feel like I did as much as I could that way.

[Comment from Benyamin: At first this sounds like “just do it,” but on second glance it’s all about routines. When you can build working out into your lifestyle you can be consistent without sacrificing your life.

If you’re trying to find ways to build a routine, check out this article]  

Benyamin: So that last question is…what’s next? What are you working on now?

V: It’s funny because, in my mind when I started I was like “ok, if I lose 50 pounds I’ll be super lean and I can start bulking.”

But I’m just going to keep going until I’m happy with where I am, and not really pay attention to a lot of the noise where people say “oh you can start bulking now.”

Now I’m going to keep leaning out and see where it goes, and maybe eventually start bulking. But I’m just happy where I am and I think right now I’m able to be at that level of maintenance where I’m happy eating out, I’m happy working out, I’m happy the way my clothes fit.

I was able to find a good balance in the last two years of figuring out. And I think that’s really important, being able to make it part of your lifestyle instead of changing everything to make it work.

[Comment from Benyamin: This is great. If Vineet does decide to start bulking, he already has a routine in place. Now it will just be a matter of making tweaks, but the hardest work is already done.]

Benyamin: Definitely. It has to be a thing that you do instead of a thing you make yourself do.

V: Yeah, because the moment it becomes a thing you make yourself do it just ruins everything. Things fall off the wagon so fast.

 

I rolled over in bed, wearily planted my feet on the floor, and yawned. I fumbled around in the dark for my gym clothes, pulled on two different socks, and started my workout.

The sun still hadn’t risen.

Those workouts were brutal. I would wake up with my stomach growling, two hours earlier than usual. I grabbed my set of dumbbells and went through my 20–30 minute circuits. I did this every day for a month.

And then I quit.

I had done it every day, but it wasn’t a habit.

When most people think of habits, that’s what they think of—something you do every day. But that isn’t actually what makes something a habit.

Take a look at this story, from a writer on Medium:

“All this literature on habits sounded good so I tried it out. For 66 days I did 50 push-ups. That’s an easy habit if you think about it. But that was the point. I wanted to start small and prove the theory.

Day one, I could barely do ten push-ups. I had to take breaks to complete 50. After day 30, I had to do more than 50 push-ups just to stay interested. Most the time I’d do all 50 in a row a few times a day. I’ll tell you, exercising for one minute a day is not going to do much for you. I decided to throw in a bunch of other exercises such as burpees, crunches, dips, etc.

I noticed that after day 66, I really didn’t see much of a change physically or mentally. The science wasn’t working. Still, I kept going because I knew in my mind it was not a habit yet. In truth, I didn’t feel better or worse for doing these micro-workouts.

However, I stuck with it. 100 days passed by quickly. So did 200 days. On day 365, I thought I would feel relieved or accomplished. I felt nothing.”

Was the science truly not working, or was it just applied in the wrong way?

(clearly this is the right way) via GIPHY

What Makes a Habit?

There’s research, frequently cited, that it takes 66 days to form a habit. As is often the case in psychology the research itself is fine (if incomplete), but the way people talk about this research is wrong.

First, “it takes 66 days to create a habit” is a silly statement. This experiment found that it took an average of 66 days for their participants to create a habit.

That average time almost certainly depends on what the habit is. It depends on what steps people are taking to establish the habit. It probably depends somewhat on the life circumstances of the people being study.

And, most importantly, it’s an average. The researchers found that some people established the habit as quickly as 18 days. Others took 254. It can take more or less than 66 days to form a habit, and that number isn’t the important part of this study.

Second, “habit” has a very particular definition.

The researchers behind that experiment have given this definition of a habit:

“Habits are behaviours which are performed automatically because they have been performed frequently in the past.

This repetition creates a mental association between the situation (cue) and action (behaviour) which means that when the cue is encountered the behaviour is performed automatically. Automaticity has a number of components, one of which is lack of thought.”

Some researchers even argue that the frequency of habits is unimportant! To those researchers, a habit is something that occurs automatically in response to a cue, whether that cue is frequent or not.

Our Medium writer was completing an action every day, but was he completing it in response to a specific cue? Was he doing it automatically in response to a particular environment?

He doesn’t give much detail, but I’m going to guess the answer is no. He says “Most the time I’d do all 50 in a row a few times a day,” so unless this environment is occurring multiple times a day, it seems more likely that he was “forcing himself” to do the push-ups.

Instead of forcing yourself, create an environment that tells you exactly when to work out.

Set up or define cues that make the decision to work out for you.

Use small, relevant rewards to create good feelings after your habit (so you don’t, like this Medium writer, get bored).

If you set up a truly automatic habit, you’ll never have to force yourself to work out. You’ll just do it, and feel good about it.

Feelin’ good via GIPHY

So What Does it Feel Like to Have a Fitness Habit?

When you have a fitness habit, you don’t need to “force yourself” to do anything. At the beginning there will be a degree of discipline and “forcing” yourself, but that fades as you remove barriers to working out and the habit becomes ingrained.

For a lot of people, habits get derailed by moment-to-moment thoughts; when you have to make a decision every time you want to complete your “habit,” it’s easy to get distracted by what’s going on around you.

One common example is struggling to work out after work. When you leave work, the thought is “ugh I’m tired and hungry. I should just go home and eat dinner and relax.”

But when you have a workout habit, the automatic thought is different. It becomes “ugh I’m tired and hungry. I can’t wait until I finish my workout so I can go home, eat dinner, and relax.”

The difference is subtle, but having a fitness habit means that your automatic thoughts are different. They assume that you’ll be working out no matter what, so the decision to not workout never enters the equation.

Another example comes when a fitness habit gets disrupted. Because a habit is cued by your environment, changing your environment is a great way to disrupt your habit

This works for both good and bad habits, and is why changing environments is a huge part of treating substance addiction and abuse.

The recent holidays are a great example of a disrupted environment. Travel takes away your environmental cues, days off work remove structure, and before you know it you’re downing whiskey on the rocks and your fitness habits are dashed against the rocks (this is my attempt at being clever).

But if habits are firmly established, you start to feel different. After the holidays, one friend of mine commented that he “needed to exercise” because his “legs were antsy.”

Now, this is an active guy, but he isn’t a meathead or huge exercise fanatic. When a habit is strong enough, it tries to self-correct even if it gets disrupted.

If you’ve ever heard people say that they feel terrible if they don’t work out, this is what’s happening. Their habit is trying to correct itself. That they haven’t given up is a sign of how strong it is.

And how strong yours can be.

How Can You Build Habits?

I’ve written about each of the elements of creating habits. Here are some of the top articles if you want to learn more.

• Learn how to create rewards that actually work
• Why you set unrealistic goals, why that’s sometimes a good thing, and when goal setting alone isn’t enough
• “Just do it” isn’t helpful. This 5-step process is an alternative.
• If you ever feel uncomfortable in the gym, learn the psychology of overcoming gym anxiety
• Everything you need to know for your first day at the gym

My mouse hovered over the button. I was afraid to hit publish.

I hope everyone knows the weird, simultaneous apprehension and satisfaction that comes with finishing something you really put all of yourself into. The doubt—what if this is actually terrible, what if nobody reads it? what if people are just tolerating me?—mixes with the enormous relief of being finished.

On this day, I was feeling mostly doubt. I’ve published deeply personal stories before—from the relationship between lifting and body image to what it feels like to finally be fit.

I knew that this time I was going to step on some toes. I also knew that what I was writing had been real to me and the people I’ve trained, and was grounded in real research.

Still, when I published How to Stop Feeling Judged at the Gym on my site and around the internet, I got exactly the kind of comments I expected:

“Want to know the un-PC, hard truth about gyms, which reflects the psychology of human social groups? No one gives a shit about you.”

“Anyone who is judging you is a cunt. The VAST majority of gym-goers will either show you complete apathy OR will be proud of you for getting off the couch”

“Step 1: leave ego at the door.”

“You’re at the gym because you’re trying to better yourself. If someone is going to make fun of you for that, then shame on them…People are going to try and drag you down every step of the way, so you have to learn how to deal with it by being confident in yourself.”

“I promise no one at the gym cares about what you’re doing. Just do your thing.”

“Most people are only focused one one person at the gym: themselves.”

“The main thing is don’t be a slacker and space waster and people won’t judge.”

“I think I can help make this as clear as possible…. It might sting a little but trust me, I am trying to kick into motion a realization and new mindset / outlook for people that have this problem.

Ready?

Get over your fucking self. Nobody gives a single shit whether you’re there or not, what you’re doing, or what you look like. At all.”

Ouch. But I felt fine about it, because I also got other comments and private messages.

People telling me that my article described exactly how they felt every time they set foot in a gym. People telling me that I described exactly how they have always felt about fitness.

People that were glad to have real strategies to work on their problems.

To me, those are the people I’m writing for. If you could “just do it” (and most people can’t), you wouldn’t be reading this. If you feel confident every time you step in a gym, or don’t feel confident but do it anyway, that’s incredible. Not everyone feels that way.

Can you just “get over your fucking self?”

When I started working out, no one told me that I wouldn’t be judged. And I definitely felt judged.

What if someone, as I approached the door on my first day, had pulled me aside and said: “hey, just so you know, no one gives a shit about you?”

Yeah, I know that’s unfair. Let’s make it “just so you know, no one in the gym is judging you.” Either way, kind or profane, would that advice have helped?

via GIPHY

When I think back to the slamming deadlifts and guttural grunts, the muscle-y men and chalk dust, I’m pretty sure there isn’t anything in the world that could have kept me from being intimidated on my first day at the gym.

“No one is judging you” wouldn’t have helped when I dropped the barbell on my neck and heads turned in my direction. My face would still have burned with embarrassment.

“No one is judging you” wouldn’t have helped every time the guy next to me grabbed weights twice as heavy to do the same exercise I was doing.

“No one is judging you” wouldn’t have changed the way I felt watching a group of huge dudes congratulate each other for putting up more weight than I could count.

It isn’t as simple as “no one is judging you”

People didn’t actually need to be judging me for me to feel judged.

I felt judged because I was weak and they were strong. Because they were confident and I was terrified. Because they knew what they were doing and I was clueless.

My fear of the gym and certainty that I was being judged came from my thoughts and beliefs—not theirs.

“No one is judging you” can’t change how you feel about yourself. No matter how many people told me that, no matter how many different ways I heard it, it would never feel true.

Because I was judging myself. I had held my own self-image up to them and found it lacking. Every second I spent in that gym was another comparison, another act of judgment.

What can you do?

In the original article, I outlined four causes of gym anxiety:

• Not knowing what to do
• Comparing yourself to other people
• Feeling judged
• Feeling like you don’t belong

Feeling judged is only one reason for feeling uncomfortable in the gym, and really these four causes are not so separate from each other.

If it helps you to know that people aren’t judging you in the gym, that’s great. I’m truly happy for you.

For the record, it is mostly true. Most people at the gym are there to work out, not judge other people.

But if that isn’t enough for you, there are strategies you can use to make your gym-going experience less painful and intimidating.
I’ll see you in the gym once you use them.